Ever get a feeling of despair where you want to scratch your skin off. This is the feeling i have after a three day bender culminating in once again upsetting people, more specifically women.
David Bowie passed away today which is always going to make any music fan slightly upset. Having been drinking heavily for three days straight has not helped. Waking up this morning with my phone full of pissed off messages after trying to convey my feelings but with the eloquence of a sledge hammer. Nothing is wrong as such so why? Its starts with a sociable drink with friends, it is also unavoidable when starting dating, no 22 year old girl wants the 31 year old guy she has got designs for, that he is a hapless wreck of a drinker. No one wants the issues. So i casually forget my promise to myself of no more drinking and self destruction and have a pint, then the next night you think that wasn't too bad, i haven't got work tomorrow ill buy some cans, so you drink eight cans, the next day your hungover and vulnerable to getting wasted, you go for lunch because making food is too hard, so then you sink five six seven eight ... who knows how many pints later and there you are back at stage one.
The saying falling off the waggon and one for the road are derived from the same place, where condemned to hang prisoners were aloud to stop off on the way to the gallows for a farewell drink. How apt as that's where every drink seems to late, an inevitable fate. As i have said before though the drink does help the nerves and on a date this is very helpful.
There needs to be a point though where i cut it off, got to learn to walk with a limp and not be scared to show my injury, there is no way i can hide it (badly at that).
Searching for that boy i lost. As i have spoken before on the fact as a teenager i drastically changed for the worst. As a small child i was artistic and loved to write and act. This was lost as i saw it as a weakness in my makeup and stopped and ever since i have been trying to get him back. This could be a key factor, i don't need to be a drunk i need to be creative. I know my voice is not better when i have been drinking and also my playing is shoddy enough without being pissed. This could be the saviour if i put myself in a musically productive situation IE a band it might be the reason to tell people and to tell myself.
As for personal relationships, is it counter productive to start a new relationship with someone when you have so much work to do on yourself ? Is it just one more distraction from self healing? Who knows she could be the one who sticks by me, if not she'll be added to the list of could have beens and at the moment that is a long list sadly.
A new musical beginning could be just the ticket if i can get the right mix of people together which is the hardest part. Writing songs is therapeutic, even if age isn't on my side its worth a shot, its always worth a shot never giver give up.
its never too late to be what you might have been.
